Shifty eyes?

A few days ago I was coaching a dynamic young entrepreneur on a pitch to venture capitalists. He and his team had written a smashing speech, in which he used a series of rhetorical questions. "Do you do X every day? Do you wish you could do X faster and better? Have you thought about how improving X can expand the number of people you reach?" (I won't share the project here without permission, but, Dynamic Young Entrepreneur, if you're reading, I'd be happy to link to it!) As we worked together, I asked him to try picking out individuals in the audience to address each question to. What a difference that made!

We've established that moving your gaze around the room so that you connect with several people in the crowd is a good idea. We've also established the need to make direct, focused, sustained eye contact with one person for a few sentences, and then move on to another person, to convey a sense of personal connection.

The question is, when do you stop looking at one person and start looking at the next? In fact, breaking your gaze and turning in a different direction can be a great way to signal a change in focus or change in thought.

Like my entrepreneur, you could ask each of your rhetorical questions to a different individual in the audience. If you were suggesting ways to solve a problem, "We could do A. Or, we could do B. Or, we could try C," then you could look at a different member of your audience for each suggestion. This would help your audience to understand the difference between the items in the list.

Similarly, change your gaze when you want to transition from one thought to another. This could be as small as a sentence that shows an alternative: "However, we shouldn't go for D, because...." You'd break your gaze on "However" and change to focus on a new person.

It doesn't have to involve a contrary or difference. Any change in thought can be a good reason; beginning a new point, either a new major point (paragraph-sized or even sub-heading-sized) or minor point (sentence-sized). Shifting your gaze doesn't necessarily signal that two things are opposites; it just signals that the two things are distinct, discrete, or different. You have to use other techniques--words like "On the other hand" or "However" and changes in your voice and body position--to signal contraries or opposites.

You can use the need to connect with everyone in the room as useful "punctuation" for your speech! Now that you've learned the importance of looking at specific people, make sure you change focus from one person to another with intent and meaning.

Eye Contact--where to look?

Sometimes when you arrive at the podium--especially if you're nervous--you might not know where to look. But when you stand up in front of people to speak, remember that you're speaking to people; your message is meant to reach people. So the answer is easy. Where do you look? At the people you're talking to!

The first step toward using eye contact to connect with your audience and communicate your message is to look in their general direction--to disconnect from your notes, or the podium, or the PowerPoint monitor, or the blackboard--or your shoes, which often become really, really fascinating when you stand up to speak.

Now you're looking at the audience! Your head is up, and your eyes are forward. This is a big step in the right direction--but don't stop there! Now that you're looking at the audience, connect with them. Look directly at individuals within the crowd. Lock eyes with them. If you make sustained eye contact with individuals, your message will become so much stronger. You can talk directly to each person, as if you were having a conversation.

In a 2 minute speech for a group of 100, it's impossible to make meaningful eye contact everyone, so don't try. If you try, you start scanning the room and you don't make meaningful contact with everyone. Instead, pick out a few people from the crowd, and speak directly to them, as if the person you're speaking with is the only person in the room, and it is imperative that that person must understand exactly what you mean. If you connect with the woman in the green sweater there, and the man in the blue shirt there, then their immediate neighbors will feel like you're connecting with them, too. I call this "secondhand eye contact."

By connecting with selected people, you'll connect with their neighbors in a secondhand way, but you'll also improve your connection with the whole audience by communicating a sense of intimacy and establishing the potential for meaningful, sustained eye contact. You see, if I'm watching you have a direct, focused conversation with that woman in the green sweater, even if I'm not sitting next to her and getting your peripheral eye contact, I'm still getting the impression that you're connecting directly with that person, that you care about all of us here in the audience, and that you could connect with me that way too. Each of us listens more closely. Why? Because if you're talking to her now, then maybe you, that charismatic, brilliant person at the front of the room, might speak directly to me next!

You might be wondering: how do I make meaningful and sustained eye contact when I have to look at my notes to find out what I say next? You can! Watch for another post--we'll talk about that later this week. Watch out for two other posts besides that: how you can use eye contact both to impart your message to your audience and to gather information from them, and how you can use shifts in eye contact to emphasize points or to show a change in direction!

Breaking down the communication process

We've spent the last few posts talking about the practice of communication. Let's step back for a minute and talk about the process.

Communication--especially dynamic communication, like a conversation or a speech before an audience--is a complicated operation. But we can break down its structure into three key steps, which hold true for conversations, for speeches, and for writing of all kinds.

1. Prepare the audience to receive your message
"I'm about to tell you something really important. Get ready! Here it comes!"

2. Communicate the message to the audience
"Here it is!"

3. Verify that the message has been received
"Did you get it? Yes? Good!"

The cycle can begin all over again then.

A colleague of mine likes to use an exercise in playing catch to make this point. You're getting ready to throw the ball. You establish eye contact to signal to one person that he or she should catch the ball when you throw it--preparing him or her to receive the message. You throw the ball--communicating the message. You verify that the ball has been caught--that the message has been received. This exercise is fun to do in groups--the last time I tried it in the classroom, I found out that a few of my participants were on the college's baseball teams!

Each one of these steps in the communication process can be improved through developing skills and strategies. You can learn how to pick out body language cues that signal that a silent person has or has not received the message, and then you can learn to respond accordingly. You can prepare an audience to receive your message in a wide variety of ways--sometimes you might want a simple review of the problem that you're going to suggest a solution to, while other times you might want an attention-getting device, like an anecdote or a stunt. If you're interested in particular aspects of this communication chain, just let me know! Send me an email, or leave a comment!

Posture(ing?)

Stand up straight!

Listen to your inner grandmother and pull your shoulders back, elongate your spine, and draw in your abs. Imagine a hook in the top of your head drawing you all the way up to the ceiling, and follow it upward. Good posture helps you in so many ways.

First, standing up straight makes you seem more confident. It makes you taller, and if the reasons why are controversial, we know that taller people make more money and are seen as more attractive and more responsible. In fact, the taller presidential candidate wins the popular vote two-thirds of the time. Even aside from being taller, good posture suggests a comfort and a strength in your own body. You have nothing to hide, and you are perfectly capable of withstanding challenges. Standing up straight helps you project a positive image.

Second, standing up straight improves your voice. You can't draw sufficient breath to support your voice if you're hunched over, because your lungs and diaphragm and intercostals--the muscles that help opera singers support those amazing tones--can't expand. It's like trying to blow up a balloon in a jewelry box--it can't go anywhere! If you've dropped your head forward over your chest, you're also crimping the alignment of the parts of your body that make your voice warm and resonant and attractive to hear. If you compress the volume of your breathing space and also crunch up the resonators in your head and throat, it's ten times harder to project your voice so that the back of the room can hear you, and it's twenty times harder to do it without straining and while keeping your tone of voice pleasant to listen to. Standing up straight helps you with the techniques of good voice and speech.

Third, standing up straight makes you seem less nervous. If your posture allows you to expand your breathing space, you can take deep breaths. It's almost impossible for your voice to wobble with deep, diaphragmatic support for your breath. As a bonus, deep breathing can often make you relax! Good posture will send clear cues to the audience that you're sure of yourself and of your message. Standing up straight helps you manage speech anxiety.

If you're standing up straight, you're comfortable in your own body, your voice is pleasant and easy to hear, and you're showing me that you're proud of what you have to say. You're attracting the attention of the room in the very best of ways.

Uptalk

Keep it down! The end of your sentence, that is.

"Upward intonation" or "uptalk" is when the pitch of your voice rises at the end of a sentence. Using a rising intonation at the end of a sentence is entirely appropriate when asking questions, but many people---often women under 35--use upward intonation at the ends of sentences that are not questions. This makes it seem like an assertive statement is a question. Upward intonation has been mocked as "Valley Girl" speech, although it's a much wider bad habit. Teenage girls who spoke this way in the 1980s and 1990s have grown up, yet the habit persists. I should know! I, like, used to speak that way? And ended sentences with rising pitches? As though I were asking for approval? And I kept doing it, even after I was out of high school and it wasn't cute anymore?

But then I learned to put periods at the ends of sentences, and to use upward intonation only when I meant to express questioning. I managed to become conscious of uptalk and learn to stop by imagining the sentences visually, as though they were typed out in my mind's eye, and then imagining myself pronouncing them as they were "written" in my mind.

But my opposition to uptalk isn't that interesting. Take a look at the following exchange from the play by Donald Margulies, Collected Stories.

RUTH. Do you mind if I ask you something?
LISA. Uh. Okay. Sure.
RUTH. Why do you talk like that?
LISA. Excuse me?
RUTH. You have a tendency to add question marks to the ends of simple declarative sentences. Do you know that?
LISA. Oh, God...
RUTH. When a simple declarative sentence will do, you inflect it in such a way...When I asked you where you got your bachelor's, you didn't simply say, "Princeton," a statement of fact, you said "Princeton?" You hear how my voice went up?
LISA. I can't believe I'm still doing that. I used to talk like that, when I was younger...
RUTH. (Talking over her) I'm not saying you do it all the time but you do it often enough for me to notice. And it's very striking because you're obviously an intelligent, gifted young woman but it's really kind of dopey, if you ask me.
LISA. It is, it really is, it's awful.
RUTH. You're not alone. Most of my students speak this way. I'm not absolutely certain but I think more young women speak this way than young men. And there's something almost poignant about it, all these capable young women somehow begging to be heard, begging to be understood. "Can you hear me?" "Are you with me?" "Am I being heard?" [...] Listen to yourselves! Nobody's going to take you seriously in the real world! Who's going to take you seriously if you talk like that? No one! Why should they? If I were you, I'd do everything I could to erase it from my memory; expunge it from my speech center. The moment you hear yourself doing it, stop and correct yourself.

I couldn't say it better myself. You're not asking me, you're telling me. Keep it down.

Impromptu speaking and Q&A

Most of the speaking we do is impromptu speaking--speaking done without any preparation, on the spot. Speeches that you've rehearsed are very important, but they make up a very small portion of all the oral communication you do--less than 1% for most people! An especially tricky kind of impromptu speaking involves answering questions posed on the spot. Interviews are based on this kind of speech, and many prepared speeches include questions and answers. We've been very impressed by President Obama's well-organized impromptu comments at debates, interviews, and press conferences--they have even inspired some wry humor. And equally, we've been less charitable to politicians who have delivered less well organized remarks off the cuff.

So, how do you make sure your impromptu speaking is coherent, elegant, and engaging? How do you stay in control of your message when you're answering a question you didn't expect? How do you organize your thoughts on a subject you had never really thought about before?

1. Pause. Take five seconds to gather your thoughts.
2. During those five seconds, decide on a central message. What's the key point--only a few words--that you want your audience to take away?
3. Once you've determined your central message, make sure to structure your impromptu statements in a way that helps you to show off your central message. Make sure they have a beginning, a middle, and an end.
4. When you begin, repeat the question in your own words. Not only does this make sure that you've understood the question correctly, it buys you extra time, and it helps you to signal to your audience the focus of your answer.
5. To help the audience to grasp your message, make sure you use good structure and organization in the middle of your statement. One way to stay organized is to use the classical topic of division. "There are two major reasons to save the whales. First... And second..." "There are three key organizations opposing our efforts to save the whales: First Name, Second Name, Third Name." "There were four pivotal events in the American Revolution. First..."
6. While you're speaking, make sure you finish your sentences. Especially if you're figuring out what you think as you speak, an idea might occur to you while you're in the middle of expressing a different thought. Don't give in to the temptation to interrupt your thought! Instead, finish the first sentence. Imagine it with a period at the end. Then, begin a new sentence with the new (and probably very clever) thought that occurred to you.
7. What if that new idea is completely different? That can be perfectly fine! Show relationships between thoughts with transition words and phrases. However. Moreover. In fact. On the other hand. Therefore. Nevertheless. On a different note. Moving on to.
8. Conclude. Sometimes impromptu answers to questions begin very well, but decline and then trail off because the speaker doesn't know how to end the statement. Make your point or points, and then conclude, summarizing what you have to say and returning to your central message. "And so, that's why we need to save the whales." If it seems like you've gotten lost in the middle of your point, a strong, clear conclusion that repeats your central message will make sure that your audience gets your most crucial point.

Keep in mind these eight tips for organizing impromptu statements, and you'll be able to answer any unexpected question with grace and lucidity!

Resting hands

I often see people who lose control of their hands when they speak. Some people over-gesture, emphasizing every! single! word! with a wave of the hand. This is about as effective as underlining every word; all the words are emphasized, so none of the words is emphasized. Others just fidget. The hands go in the pockets, they tuck the hair behind the ear, they twist the wedding band. Neither of these helps to project confidence, and both can distract the listener from your message.

As a speaker, you're probably aware of these tics, and you might tell yourself, "Stop fidgeting!" or "Stop gesturing!"

Telling yourself to stop moving your hands is about as effective as telling you to not think of a tasty ice cream sundae, with caramel and almonds on top...er, excuse me.

Sound of ice cream scoop clinking against bowl.

Right! Focusing on what you want to avoid just makes you go and do that. Instead, focus on what you want to do, affirmatively.

In order to still your hands, give yourself a rest position, or a "default setting" for your hands and arms. The best all-purpose choice is to let your arms hang at your sides, with your hands cupped against the outsides of your legs. This makes you seem open and neutral and comfortable--you have nothing to hide, and nothing to protect yourself against! You might also clasp your hands loosely in front of your hips if you want to suggest that you're nonthreatening and peaceful. If you have a table or podium in front of you, you could rest your hands on top of it--keep all your weight on your legs or seat, just rest your hands and wrists on the podium or tabletop.

This way, you're not "doing nothing" with your hands--you're doing something with them--something still, calm, natural and controlled. This quietness of body will help your audience to focus on your words, and it will help you to make sure that the well-chosen and varied gestures you do make have a great impact.

Give it a try! Next time you give a speech, rather than thinking, "I will stop fluttering my hands," think "I will keep my hands still and quiet at my sides, in their resting position."

Perpetual Pitch

This is not a post about singing.

While the pitch, or highness or lowness, of your voice, is a key element in how you're perceived, it's not a post about that either. Nor is it about the talents of Curt Schilling. This is a post about another kind of pitch.

When we think about public speaking, we talk about "elevator pitches" and "interview pitches" and "VC pitches". One of the key points about an elevator pitch is that you're always ready to begin it, whatever the situation--that you're always on your toes, ready to begin to promote your product, or your company, or yourself.

But that's not quite right. While it's critical to be prepared for formal speaking situations, and to imagine rehearsed pitches, you should not be waiting at the metaphorical starting block, ready to launch your pitch at a moment's notice.

That's because you're always pitching. Sometimes you do it more formally or more deliberately than others-sometimes you're giving an actual speech, or you're in a conversation about the subject you would promote. Being prepared for these events is absolutely vital. But it's just as important to be ever conscious of how you present yourself and how you communicate, to speak intentionally, mindfully, and reflectively, even when you're not "making a speech."

Maybe you never stand up in front of a group, so you don't think public speaking applies to you. I have news: anytime you're speaking with another person in the room, you're engaging in public speech. The clarity of your communication, the character you present to others, the emotions you evoke in your explanations--all these things matter, whether you're speaking informally to a friend or formally to a thousand people. The size of the speech is different--I would never project my voice or use expansive gestures if I were speaking intimately to a single person--but the presence of a style, and the need for a conscious, careful approach, is the same.

Let's take an example. Consider an interview. You're speaking before one, two, maybe three people. You're almost never standing, and while you might have imagined the possible answers to questions in advance, you're almost never asked to give a prepared speech from notes. Yet you're speaking with a persuasive goal in mind. You want to convey both a character (I'm a fabulous coworker!) and a message (I've got the skills you need!) in order to inspire a specific action from your auditors (Hire me!). If that's not public speaking--if that's not speaking that requires attention and awareness and skill--I don't know what is.

An interview may be a one-on-one conversation, but it's a formal event. What about professional informal conversation? Networking is based on informal speech. Can you present an interesting character and message in an informal conversation--not through launching into a rehearsed pitch, but by deftly tossing the conversational ball back and forth? Can you be charming, without being too pushy? When you express an arguable point of view, can you do so in a non-confrontational, but persuasive and well-organized manner? Do you know how to express to others with voice and body that you're interested in what they have to say? We've all heard that networking is an ongoing process, and that it's vital to our careers. The key to effective networking is the ability to communicate your best self with skill and care in unrehearsed, unpredictable situations.

Even non-professional, informal situations involve conscious speaking. Suppose you had to break some bad news to a friend. In order to be as gentle as possible, you'd want to be conscious of your body position and tone of voice, adjusting them so you clearly communicated, "I'm here for you, I care about you, I'm so sorry this happened." You're not making a "pitch" for a company or for yourself as a colleague, but you're still intentionally communicating a message (the bad news) portrayed in the best way possible (with gentleness and clarity) and in a way that conveys your personality as it affects the situation (sympathetic and caring--we hope!)

We all want to reveal our personalities to others and communicate ideas to them. Otherwise, we wouldn't talk to anybody. Often, we want to inspire action--whether it's asking our spouse to take out the trash or asking an investor to give us millions of dollars. You're always presenting yourself, and you're always communicating an idea. In order to reveal your best self, and in order to communicate your ideas most clearly, you can learn skills to improve speech, voice, gesture, diction, and other crucial elements of public speaking. We'll talk about those skills more here in the next few posts. The key now is to remember: communication is perpetual. Public speaking is not an event; it's a way of life.

Welcome!

Welcome to Not Another Toast, the blogging home of Not Another Toast, a company offering dynamic, personalized coaching in public speaking, communication, and self-presentation. Not Another Toast harnesses the techniques of performing arts, classical rhetoric, communication psychology, and common sense to help individuals and groups to become effective, powerful, and unforgettable communicators.

I'm Monica Poole. I offer consultation in public speaking, interview skills, elegant writing, speech anxiety management, and self-aware self-presentation. I offer intimate one-on-one coaching as well as workshops for groups of 20 to 100 people. Do you want to improve your elevator pitch for your new company? Want to make your interview memorable--in the good way? Want to make your business presentations, political speeches, or sermons shine? Want to help everyone in your office to have more powerful and sensitive interpersonal communication--oral or written? Want to learn to "schmooze" without being schmaltzy? Send me an email!

While my personal coaching services are generally limited to Boston, MA and surrounding communities, here on this blog I will share tips and tricks for improving your communication and presentation skills that you can apply wherever you are. We'll talk about how to make your life a "perpetual pitch," how to tailor your gestures to help others to perceive you as you want to be perceived, how to manage the emotions in the room (always important, even in speeches not intended to be "emotional"!), how to identify your dialect and embrace or erase it as you choose, how to break down the components of charm and charisma, and how to harness the techniques of the stage for the boardroom, the classroom, and the courtroom. We'll amass a rhetorical toolbox, and we'll learn how to use each tool in it.

First point: I'm saying "we" because I want to create a sense that this blog is collaborative--that you, you there, the reader, (hey, you!) are in this with me, and you are meant to participate and communicate. If I were standing before you, I'd have my arms opened, palms facing outward, my cheeks and eyebrows slightly raised. I might even be smiling. I'd signal: I like you, I want to hear from you, we're having a conversation. So: join in!